A friendly letter

Dear Match.com,

I am moderately to severely offended by the volume of email I receive from you on a daily basis. Are you in some kind of sordid partnership with American Family Association? Because they are equally out of control with the unsolicited emailing. Or, maybe just generally equally out of control.

I'm going to operate under the assumption that you are working together. And I would also make the claim that you are in cahoots with Endless Pools, but I'll be honest and admit that although they need to slow their roll, that first email was...solicited. Can you blame me for wanting to know if the pools have a deadly current?

Back to my point. You should know that I am not interested in internet dating. Sure, I'm 29 and single, but come on. I have much more effective means of finding love. Don't you watch The Bachelorette??!! Also Craigslist listings. And I have never had trouble attracting international students. So I have no time for you.

Now since you're obviously linked up with AFA, I would also like to make clear that I am not interested in boycotting all of society. I know you are "Rightly Concerned: Cautiously Observing the Left, From the Right" but really, who cares if Home Depot calls you a liar? Why waste your time and resources proving them wrong? That's gay.

Let's kill two birds with one stone and remove me from this email list, shall we?

Thanks guys.

Fondly,
Claire