Church signs

If you know me at all, you know that I delight in seeing (and making fun of) church signs across the greater southern US region and the clever slogans they so artfully boast. Here is a list (my personal favorites in bold) compiled by one Anna Duggan of Memphis, Tennessee. Many of them I have seen, many she's shared with me, all are gems in the basin of church sign hilarity. Enjoy.

We don't change the message, the message changes us.
An upright man can never be a downright failure.
Life is hard, afterlife is harder!
Jesus died to save us, He lives to keep us.
Jesus-the gateway to the supernatural.
Weather forecast- the SON is always shining.
God buildsfaith, some assembly required.
When trouble grows, our character shows.
Sin is the disease, Christ is the cure.
The tact in evangelism is contact.
The ten commandments are not multiple choice.
Download your worries, get online with God.
Waiting for your ship to come in? Noah built his own.
God likes fruit, not religious nuts.
Bring your bling to the King.
Come on in to my house and bring the kids. Sincerely, God
Give the devil an inch and he becomes your ruler.
Try our Sundays, they are better than Baskin Robbins.
Church is a gift from God- assembly required.
Born in a manger, now preparing us a mansion.
The best vitamin for Christians is B-1.
"Body piercing saved my life" (Under a picture of a hand with a nail through it)
A trusted friend is the best mirror.
Feeling lost? My book is your map. -God
Anger is one letter away from danger.
For success, knock the T off can't.
Come to church for a faith lift.
Low on faith? Come on in for a fill up.
The best exercise is to lift another up.
CH_ _ CH. What's missing? YOU ARE!
Beware! Little sins add up to big trouble.
The family altar will alter a family.
ASAP- Always Say A Prayer
Why are you looking down? My Savior went UP!
We may not be Dairy Queen, but we sure do have great Sundays.
Get right or get left!
Talk to the hand-the nail scarred hand.
Soul-ar powered by the Son.
Next time you feel perfect, try walking on water.
Don't worry, even Moses was a basket-case.
Fishers of men, you catch 'em, He'll clean 'em.
Higher math comes from counting your blesses.
Prevent truth decay- brush up on yourBible.
Congratulations! Jesus loves you!
Good minus God equals O.
Working for the Lord may not pay much, but His retirement plan is out of this world!
God doesn't want shares of your life, He wants controlling interest.
If life were a puzzle, Jesus is your missing peace.
We need to put the hip back in discipleship.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
No time to pray makes you easy prey.
A Mother's Day Special (Definitely blasphemous): On the seventh day God rested, and mom took over.
Life has many choices, eternity has two.
"All I know is.....everything." - God
Keep your words sweet, you may have to eat them.
"Nice wedding, invite me to the marriage." -God
Swallow your pride daily, it's Atkins friendly.
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
Feast on the Bread of Life- No Carbs.
Make every day a Sonday.
God only accepts knee-mail.
Make your eternal reservations now- smoking or non-smoking?
This church is prayer conditioned.
Keep pressing for your blessing.
Don't forget your Son-screen.
7 days without prayer makes one weak.
Nothing to be thankful for? Check your pulse.
Warning: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning
What in Hell do you want? Choose Jesus!
Easter Bunny- tastes like chicken
"Don't make me come down there." -God
Some things happen by chance, salvation isn't one of them.
Tithe if you love Jesus, anyone can honk.
If you only judge people you have no time to love them.
Walmart isn't the only saving place.
The Bible is like a parachute, it only works if its open.
"My way is the Highway." -God
Be content with what you have, not with what you are.
Make your paths straight. King Jesus is coming soon.
When judgement day comes, you'll wish you had Jesus bumper stickers on your car.
TGIF- Thank God I'm Forgiven

Verizon Math

I've never been one for numbers. Frankly, numbers make me lightheaded and nauseated. I'm definitely more of a words kind of girl. But what you'll see if you click on the links below is an exasperating and hilarious account of a math problem with Verizon wireless.

My brother Sam emailed me these links a long time ago, and I came across them today while cleaning out my drafts folder. If you're bored, please listen to the audio. You can also read a written account of the issue by visiting this guy's blog. It takes a long time, but it's worth it to get to the woman operator.

http://media.putfile.com/Verizon-Bad-Math

http://verizonmath.blogspot.com/

Birds, frogs, and COTTON, oh my!

Let me preface this by saying that I hardly ever turn on the TV (unless the office is on) lest you label me a trash TV junkie. But THIS, my friends, is worth the watch. I got a phone call one afternoon last week from one Meredith "Manboots" Horn, all the way from Alpine, Texas, imploring me to turn on the TV to Maury Povich.

Yes, folks, what you see is no joke. I turned on the TV and saw a woman screaming frantically, as though for her life, running from...are you ready? A man covered in cotton balls. Check out the 2:00 mark on this video---that's the best part. I can understand a fear of birds. Shoot, I'm afraid of rubber bands. But cotton balls?

This made my WEEK.

Sleepless on Crest Lane

Well here I am, blogging at this obscene hour of the morning. It is 1:20 a.m., and I cannot sleep. Not surprisingly, as I accidentally took a 3 hour nap today. I spent the weekend in Starkville for a wedding and Fathers' Day and came back to Bham tonight.

Maybe I was tired from waking up early to go to MSU cheer camp with my cousin, who wanted to go watch her friends cheer...maybe it was the out of control moms (who, by the way, were actually doing the routines on the sidelines while watching their daughters) who wore me out so quickly. I kept waiting for them to present the trophy for 1st place in crackhead, but I guess they forgot.

Good news! Laura, aka Turtleneck Tomlinson, Yaya, LT, or Minnie Driver, is coming tomorrow to hang out with me for a few days! Don't ask why I posted this picture of us (doing what we do best)--I just really like it for some reason--I think it's funny. It captures something about us that I can't quite put my finger on. Ha.

Stay tuned for the post you've all been waiting for (and by you all I mean Meredith "Murry" Horn)--harrowing, bone-chilling tales of frogs and cotton balls.

That is all.

Max Patch

Here are some pictures from last weekend. Thanks for the use of your memory card, Kate. Isn't Max Patch beautiful? I'll have more later, but here are some good ones.

Three things

Good evening.

1. I did not become bear bait in the wilderness. Praises. However, my camera DID become dam-building material for one lucky beaver in the babbling brook we traversed throughout and within on Saturday morning. Yes, folks, that's right, whilst climbing over one particularly slippery rock in the middle of the river/creek/flowing body of water, my camera slipped from my death-grip and was swept downstream in a dramatic exit from my life forever.

This is why you see no pictures. This is also why my knees are scraped up and so beautifully bruised. LT, you'd be proud. I will get some pictures, though, and when I do, I'll post them. Max Patch, NC is absolutely breathtaking.

2. I love downtown Birmingham. Really I have nothing else to say about that. Just that I love it. I went for a walk through a few blocks downtown today just to think about how much I love it. I love downtown Birmingham.

3. I'm so interested to see what kinds of music will be in heaven. I'm convinced that music is going to be a huge part of the beauty of heaven. And I think there will be more genres and beats than could be thought possible on earth. Go ahead, gag. I only say this because I think that there's just something happening when you hear a really, really good song that's just impossible to figure out.

In a really good song, there's just something going on there, and I think it's a big deal. Go ahead...gag again...it's been a little bit of a cheesy day. But since this has been on my brain, I'm going to list a few of my current favorites that I can't stop listening to. Good songs are meant to be shared, right? Here are my 12 favorites this week.

1. Trapeze - Patty Griffin

2. Sparks - Mo Leverett

3. All the Miles - Sandra McCracken

4. Life is Beautiful - Ryan Adams & The Cardinals

5. Up to the Mountain (written by Martin Luther King) - Patty Griffin

(In the running for favorite Patty song of all, and definitely in the top 5)

6. Hymn - Jars of Clay

7. Children of Desire - Mo Leverett

8. How Do You Keep Love Alive - Ryan Adams & The Cardinals

9. I Tried - Bone Thugs featuring Akon (you laugh...it's a good song)

10. Baby Grand - Billy Joel with Ray Charles

11. Songbird - Eva Cassidy

12. When it Don't Come Easy - Patty Griffin

Here's to Girl Scout Jamboree and mentors!

Good evening, worldwide readership.

A couple of things on this rainy eve.

1. I am heading out in the morning for a weekend camping trip in North Carolina. Fly fishing, sleeping under the stars, hiking, and cooking over a jetboil. Sweet bliss, lest we get eaten by bears or straight up abducted. Which, if you've watched the news recently, seems to be more and more likely these days. So, I'd be stretching the truth to say I'm not the least bit scurred. But I'm pumped nonetheless. 7 girls hanging out in the woods all weekend, no makeup, no fuss, just trees, mountains, crickets, and water. Sweet bliss. The picture you see to the right is a picture of the actual location which we'll be visiting.

On the off chance that I do get abducted, Mere, you inheret my journals. Ya, you can have my accessories, what few of them I own. Swart, my movie and music collections are yours. And family--you get all my pictures and books and everything else. Morbid, yes, but you can't be too prepared. Which is why I'm taking a world atlas and mase.

2. Not that anyone else really cares, but tonight I'm really, really excited about life. Earlier in the spring I decided to get a couple of my male students hooked up with a few of my good guy friends for some mentoring this summer and possibly beyond. Tonight they met, and we picked them up and had dinner at O'Charley's out close to the school.

It went so well--I loved seeing the boys, they LOVED Stuart, Will, and Benj, (and they will clearly love Gray when they meet him) and are already brainstorming stuff they can do together "just the guys" in the coming weeks. They're even picking out nicknames for the guys--Gray will be "Gramps," though he doesn't know it yet, and Benj will be "Benjaturtle" since he looks like (according to one of my students) a ninja turtle in his motorcycle helmet. Labeled for life, they say.

I am SO EXCITED about this. They absolutely light up at the prospect of older male company and guidance, and the guys who are going to be spending time with them will be such fun and solid influences. Not to mention they're great with them.

That wraps it up, guys. If I am consumed by bears this weekend, it was nice knowing you all.