A few reasonable suggestions

I feel rather guilty for complaining about the lack of solid presidential candidates. If I'm going to complain about a problem, I'm of the belief that I should also offer a solution, and campaigning for a fictitious TV character doesn't count.

Enter Stephen Colbert.

I Am America (And So Can You!), his brilliant book on a shelf near you (given to me by one Kate McIntosh), is all I need to read to declare him White House worthy. See below as for the reasons why. (Jimmy thinks SC is going to the worst version of hell there is--does this mean I'll be joining him there? Hope not.)

Suggestion #1

Illegal Immigrants. (Chapter 13)

Take a lesson from the Chinese and build a 2,000 mile long wall. "Not like that picket fence the Russians threw up across Berlin," writes SC. "We don't want those Mexican jumping beans hopping over whenever they feel like it. Make it tall. ...Something that can be seen from space...with double-wall construction, machine-gun nests and a flaming moat loaded with fireproof crocodiles."

Suggestion #2

Retirement be gone. (Chapter 2)

Some good things about Seniors:

1. They are the Greatest Generation. No other generation in history has been quite so willing to be poor, fight wars, and have babies.

2. They were alive in the Good Old Days. They're living testament to a time when America was #1, and so was butterscotch.

3. They are often forgiven for racial intolerance.

And now, according to SC, the bad news:

1. Social Security.

"After criminals and babies, seniors are the most coddled segment of the population...sorry, but retirement offends me. You don't just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That's desertion, which in my book gets you the early bird special at the firing squad buffet."

Suggestion #3

Eradicate sports madness. (Chapter 5)

"Generally speaking, I'm not a big fan of sports. It's a waste of both testosterone and blind, fervent allegiance, both of which would be better directed towards our military." -SC

SC says that sports do have some positive impacts on society. "They solve problems, such as how to get inner city kids to buy $175 shoes...and they remain our one and only relevant application of math." Well put.

Suggestion #4

Win the war again homosexuality. (Chapter 7)

"I am a gay American. And I couldn't be gayer now that the gays are on the run. Of course, I'm using "gay" the way our founding fathers intended, to mean 'happy,' before it was stolen from them by the gays, just like they stole their tights, wigs, and codpieces."

Think the War Against Terror is a bigger threat? Think again..."Who, other than terrorists, wants to destroy our way of life? The Gays. Allowing them to marry would be like strapping on a suicide vest with a matching cummerbund."

What effect will gay marriage have on society?

"...tolerance is at a dangerous level, and if it keeps increasing at current rates, everyone will gay marry, and our grandchildren's grandchildren may never be born. Or worse. They'll be gay adopted."

There you have it, readers. A fresh spin on some old issues. Since Jack Bauer isn't real, Vote Colbert.

He is America! (And so can you!)

*The views expressed in this post do not necessarily reflect those of the author*

A presidential candidate conundrum

With all the causus and primary madness flowing to and fro, lots of hot issues have been on the forefront of the media and our minds of late. Though they've been EVERYWHERE, I have to preface everything I'm about to say with a swift confession that, honestly, I don't know enough about any of this to throw opinions around regarding these candidates.

HOWEVER.

One tidbit of information that my antenna happened to pick up is, I feel, a must-share.

Last night I was watching the Ohio/LSU game with friends, and my friend Greg (pictured below as E. Scrooge) mentioned that this time around he is voting on one issue and one issue only: immigration. It was an interesting conversation, and he was very steadfast in his intent to vote on this issue alone. It got me thinking. If I were going to vote on only one issue, what would it be? The War Against Terror? Stem cell research? Abortion? Crime? Corporations? Budget & economy?

Try animal abuse.

After learning of the information I'm about to share with you, I now just want a president without a connection to animal abuse. And preferably not a man named Hillary.

First, Mike Huckabee. I like him, I do. But did you know that in 1998, his then-17 year old son killed a stray dog (while a counselor at Boy Scout camp, to add to the horror) by hanging, stoning, and slitting its throat? It's true. Larry King asked him about it on the air, and he pretty much laughed it off and seemed astounded that anyone would ask about such a trifling, two bit occurrence. He even "wrote a letter" to get his son out of trouble's way with the cops.

Disturbing.

On to Mitt Romney. This one would actually be pretty hilarious in all its Chevy Chase glory, were it not so painstakingly cruel. Apparently 24 years ago, he took his family plus their dog on a family vacation. For the 12 hour drive, he strapped the dog's crate to the top of the car, WITH THE DOG IN IT.

What was his defense for that? "My dog loves the wind," insisted Romney.

To again quote from the blogging community, "as evidenced by the severe diarrhea running down the windows on all sides of the car?" Unfortunately, it's a fact that he pulled the car over, wiped the mess off the windows, and continued to finish the trip, dog on top of car in crate.

I don't know about you, but I'm a little unnerved, to say the least, about these fellas. And they were the ones I was most enthusiastic about.

Maybe I should write Jack Bauer in on the ballot and be done with it all.

Christmas happenings

Two things I cannot find words to describe--how much I love my students and how much I love being away from them. This break, so far, has been life giving. All you teachers out there, I know you understand.

Aaaahhhh.

Hope Christmas was wonderful for you, my Worldwide Readership. For me it was absolutely pulchritudinous (I just learned that word--it's a synonym for lovely.) I just realized I didn't take very many pictures, though, unfortunately, so I will post some pictures of the festivities leading up to the glorious Christmas day.

(left): Couples' stocking exchange at Melissa's...I would have posted a picture of Kate and Will, were all of them not so X rated (love you Kate).

Mine and Jimmy's stocking was pretty G rated, if that--sets of fake redneck teeth and a stick of Black & Beautiful Cocoa Butter (for the hair, not the bread, I assume).

(right): Wine night & ornament shower at our house for my two roommates, Kate & Courtney, both soon to wed. A very fun night for all.

(below left): All our friends who have lived in this house at some point, also taken at the ornament shower. (below right): Hailstorm's graduation from Western Kentucky--she's all done, photojournalism degree in hand! The graduation was long, but it was good to spend time in Nashville with family. Congrats Hailey!

below left: Another shower for Kate & Will, this time in Shannon, MS at the Witthauer's house. So many faces I miss--all in the same room to celebrate with the happy couple and play

Christmas charades. I got "holly." Come on. We had so much fun--I miss these girls so much!

below left: Best date of 2007 (I know, I know, some of you are thinking best date since '98) For our Christmas date, Jimmy took me to get wine & appetizers downtown, and then we went to see Christmas Vacation at the Alabama Theatre (probably my favorite place in Bham!!) which was GLORIOUS. Then we got dinner afterwards. It was SO much fun. Really--what could be better than that? "I don't KNOW, Margot."

below right: The pictures I'm sure you've all been waiting for--A Dickens of a Party 2007, featuring my 7th grade students. Here you see the Ghost of Marley reading a well-prepared letter to Ebenezer Scrooge himself, honoring him and his new outlook on life.

Here are a few more pictures from that blessed event, which turned out surprisingly well, albeit HILARIOUS. They took it shockingly seriously, even giving Scrooge and Fred (thanks Greg and Benj) a proper Victorian-era introduction and greeting. Below right you see the Ghost of Christmas Future. She's a lot scarier than she looks, believe me.

To the left: The Ghost of Christmas Past reads her letter to Scrooge

Below right: Tiny Tim shares his sentiments

Below: Scrooge, Fred, and myself

All in all, it was a fantastic Christmas season, and I don't consider it over yet. Christmas is never over, as Scrooge would now say, and I won't even begin to think of taking down my tree before New Year's.

Hope you're all having a great week.

In him was life, and the life was the light of men.
The light shines in the darkness, and the
darkness has not overcome it.
John 1:4,5

A festive survey

Here are my Christmas questions you've all been so anxiously awaiting.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?

Hmm...I do enjoy wrapping boxes, but let's be honest--I usually end up in a hurry and use a gift bag. Sorry msk(s). However, this year, yours IS in a box with a bow! Proud?


2. Tree--Real or Artificial? Love the smell, not so sure about the hassle. We had a real one every year when I was little, but most years we had a fake one. It was just as Christmasy both ways.


3. When do you put your Christmas tree up? Right after Thanksgiving


4. When do you take the tree down? I prefer to take it down the day after New Years Day.

5. Like egg nog? I like it, but don't prefer it. I'm with you msk(S), I love a mug full of marshmallows.

6. Do you have a nativity scene? No, but I hope I do not too many seasons from now.

7. Favorite gift received as a child? There are several I remember getting dangerously fired up about--a record it yourself alarm clock on which my mom had pre-recorded Clifford singing the San Fransico song and a collection of brightly colored wigs, to name a couple.

8. Hardest person to buy for? My dad, by FAR.

9. Easiest person to buy for? Easy--Yaya.

10. Worst Christmas gift? I can't remember anything bad--a student last year gave me a half used bottle of hotel lotion, but it was so heartfelt that there's no way I can count that. I still have it. (It was the student I posted a video of who told me I needed to take a vacation to Japan)

11. Mail or email a Christmas Card? Real mail


12. Favorite Christmas movie? The (original) Grinch, A Christmas Carol, and Elf


13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I usually start slow and end in panic the week of Christmas. However, this year, I was 85% finished by Thanksgiving and finished the second week of December. A record.


14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Not that I can recall...


15. Favorite food to eat on Christmas? I LOVE cheese grits on Christmas morning.


16. Clear or colored tree lights? I prefer clear


17. Favorite Christmas Song? "O Come, O Come Emmanuel"


18. Travel during Christmas or Stay home? I like staying home, but travelling is fun too. I just don't like to travel ON Christmas day.


19. Can you name Santa's reindeer? yes.


20. Angel or Star on tree top?
I love Angelina, the angel doll that has hung daintily from the ceiling above our family's tree since I can remember. I love her. But I like glittery stars as well.


21. Open presents on Christmas Eve or morning?
Morning! Me, Sammer, and Hailey used to open the presents we got each other on Christmas Eve.


22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
AFA emailing me thrice daily whining about Lowe's referral to the Christmas tree as a "family tree" in their catalog. I truly believe that they think boycotting and nitpicking is going to solve the world's problems. Don't get me started.

Victorian revelry shall abound

Once again, I'm blogging after a loooong day of work when I should be sleeping. However, once I do get home, it usually takes a few minutes before I can calm down enough to actually fall asleep, so why not blog?

It's been a hectic week. The reason (previous post) I was scouting boys' scarves and plastic battery operated candles at the Dollar Tree is because on Friday my seventh graders and I are having a Dickensonian Christmas party. They read and watched A Christmas Carol, researched the Victorian era, and have taken on the persona of one of Dickens' characters for this shindig, which is being thrown in honor of Scrooge's new outlook on life. They have to talk, walk, behave, and breathe like any young child of Victorian London would have. Parlor games, traditional Victorian music, decor, and revelry will abound in a matter of hours.

The problem is, they (and I) are incredibly unprepared for this. It's amazing how much I assume my students know that they just don't. And when they saw the movie, they asked me where the black people were. I said, "in this room." I told them THEY are responsible for portraying the black version of all the characters, and Scrooge is counting on them to do so.

Don't you wish you could be there? I'll take pictures.

Last night I went to the Behold the Lamb of God concert, which was INCREDIBLE. It's a yearly conglomeration of singer/songwriters who come together for a concert of songs to tell the story of Christ. The songs tell the story of the Old Testament up to the birth of Jesus. It is beautiful. Last year, Derek Webb and Sandra McCracken were two of the people there; this year Bebo Norman and Sara Groves lent their vocals along with regulars.

If you've ever read the blog I write on about school, teaching, and my students (it was part of my final thing for grad school) you know that I am obssessed with Sara Groves, as I wrote bits of her lyrics on the blog ALL the time. Many of her songs have pulled me through tons of very hard days since last August, and last night I got a chance to tell her that. Lo--she was a middle school English teacher! I knew we had a kindred bond. I'm glad Jimmy nearly made me talk to her, as I am not one to leap at the well known. However, it was a very non-awkward, heartfelt conversation, and I didn't stutter. She even gave me a bit of valuable teaching advice. Anyway, I bore you.

More stories and pictures later. Goodnight!

At long last

It's been forever since I've blogged, I'm making my big comeback with little to say that is of any real importance. All I do is work now pretty much, as apparently I was smoking crack when I decided to work a second job. But I've already said that on here, haven't I? What was that? Twice? Sorry to repeat.

The social life has suffered a smite, but the stories still abound. You know what I've found? You may find this hard to believe, but of the two jobs, the people at Anthropologie are weirder. Customers, that is. I really do want to write a book. Your assumption is probably that my students would be a little more out there than the customers of an outlandishly expensive clothing/home store. Right? Wrong. Read the following facts and BELIEVE THEM AS TRUTH.

1. Today a lady I checked out came to the register wearing EVERYTHING she was buying. She held out a handful of tags for me to ring up, and yelled at me throughout the whole process (a complicated one, I assure you, as she was covered in those hard sensors that you have to remove on the counter with a magnetic thing) She left, only to return a minute later for the dress she'd come IN wearing, which she'd handed to the fitting room attendant as she fled. THEN, after she left a second time, we found her UNDERWEAR in the fitting room. Yes.

2. A lady came in once, went to the fitting room, and the came walking out rather quickly--we later found a trail of poo (apparently she was sick and it'd been running down her leg) from the fitting room to the door outside. Who needs to drop bread crumbs??!!

3. Someone once left a nice pile of doo in the corner of a fitting room. Now, THIS has happened in my classroom (last year). That was a 6th grader, this was a grown woman.

That's all for now. I'm sure there will be more. I need to go to bed, as it's absurd that I'm even awake right now, much less crafting fine literature. A contact fell out of my eye today at the Dollar Tree while I was picking up several young boys' scarves and plastic battery operated candles (which I will explain in a post yet to come), and I've been crosseyed ever since.

Hope everyone had a good Monday--four more to go! Goodnight unto all.