A few reasonable suggestions

I feel rather guilty for complaining about the lack of solid presidential candidates. If I'm going to complain about a problem, I'm of the belief that I should also offer a solution, and campaigning for a fictitious TV character doesn't count.

Enter Stephen Colbert.

I Am America (And So Can You!), his brilliant book on a shelf near you (given to me by one Kate McIntosh), is all I need to read to declare him White House worthy. See below as for the reasons why. (Jimmy thinks SC is going to the worst version of hell there is--does this mean I'll be joining him there? Hope not.)

Suggestion #1

Illegal Immigrants. (Chapter 13)

Take a lesson from the Chinese and build a 2,000 mile long wall. "Not like that picket fence the Russians threw up across Berlin," writes SC. "We don't want those Mexican jumping beans hopping over whenever they feel like it. Make it tall. ...Something that can be seen from space...with double-wall construction, machine-gun nests and a flaming moat loaded with fireproof crocodiles."

Suggestion #2

Retirement be gone. (Chapter 2)

Some good things about Seniors:

1. They are the Greatest Generation. No other generation in history has been quite so willing to be poor, fight wars, and have babies.

2. They were alive in the Good Old Days. They're living testament to a time when America was #1, and so was butterscotch.

3. They are often forgiven for racial intolerance.

And now, according to SC, the bad news:

1. Social Security.

"After criminals and babies, seniors are the most coddled segment of the population...sorry, but retirement offends me. You don't just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That's desertion, which in my book gets you the early bird special at the firing squad buffet."

Suggestion #3

Eradicate sports madness. (Chapter 5)

"Generally speaking, I'm not a big fan of sports. It's a waste of both testosterone and blind, fervent allegiance, both of which would be better directed towards our military." -SC

SC says that sports do have some positive impacts on society. "They solve problems, such as how to get inner city kids to buy $175 shoes...and they remain our one and only relevant application of math." Well put.

Suggestion #4

Win the war again homosexuality. (Chapter 7)

"I am a gay American. And I couldn't be gayer now that the gays are on the run. Of course, I'm using "gay" the way our founding fathers intended, to mean 'happy,' before it was stolen from them by the gays, just like they stole their tights, wigs, and codpieces."

Think the War Against Terror is a bigger threat? Think again..."Who, other than terrorists, wants to destroy our way of life? The Gays. Allowing them to marry would be like strapping on a suicide vest with a matching cummerbund."

What effect will gay marriage have on society?

"...tolerance is at a dangerous level, and if it keeps increasing at current rates, everyone will gay marry, and our grandchildren's grandchildren may never be born. Or worse. They'll be gay adopted."

There you have it, readers. A fresh spin on some old issues. Since Jack Bauer isn't real, Vote Colbert.

He is America! (And so can you!)

*The views expressed in this post do not necessarily reflect those of the author*